As the day in the lap of Western Ghats winded up, my head hit another turmoil. Well, it had been since long, but a part of me felt tangled up in the vicinity of nature yet away from it, in the serenity of winds yet far away from the calmness of soul. Usually, on vacations, I feel entirely unwinded, with my heart throbbing for the biggest adventures. Still, there was a part of me that was feeling lonely and distressed.
At our first stop near Panchgani, as I sat down near the small rocks “trying” to enjoy the panoramic view of Shayadris, my heart throbbed to its highest, and I felt as if the entire scenery was rotating in front of my eyes with me being secluded in the environs. I felt as if the rains started downpouring again, but it was the teardrops that fell on my hands because I did not feel good.
The entire day passed off, and I was in a switch-on and switch-off mood because I knew this had been “normal” for some time now.I felt something wrong/not good within but tried to make peace with it. Even in the presence of people around me, I felt alone. It is okay if nobody understands you because at the end of the day, it is you who have to understand yourself. And I think it is okay because it is a part of a big journey that we undertake. But with this, I also realised one more thing- My extreme love for the Himalayas.
I know nature is the same everywhere, but I don’t know if it provides the same peace anywhere else. Even in the worst of situations and mindsets, I have seen how the Himalayas and their ranges have provided me peace and assured me of calmness. For a few, the touristy attractions are a checklist; for others, explorations are a checklist, and many others find zen at any possible location is possible, but for me- I find the same peace with Himalayan mountains as I find with the presence of my mom.
This doesn’t mean I did not love the ranges of Western Ghats, but something was amiss- and it was not nature; it was my utmost love and admiration for the Himalayas. Those highest points standing in pride make you grounded in humbleness, the snow-clad peaks reverberate with calmness in the soul, and those chilly winds can stabilise the most stormy waves in your heart. I never felt I would say so while being at a whole different place together- “Dear Himalayas, you are my home, and you are my final destination. I might not have that privilege of being born there, but I sure wish to breathe my last there.”
On one of my least busy days, I took out time to write down my feelings pervading since last few days after my arrival to Kashmir. Is solo travelling good or bad? Should it be frequented? Is it safe? What do people think of you as you travel to remote areas without much fuzz? Is it worth it?
As soon as I collected my baggage at the luggage belt, I stood by the side of one of the queues looking for my vaccination certificate at Srinagar airport. One of the personnel deployed at the airport asked me if I had my vaccination certificate and I showed it to him. After checking it, he enquired if I was travelling alone or with somebody, the places of my visit and so on. To which I explained about my solo travel and “not-so-planned” trip that I was undertaking.
He was much surprised and enquired further why did I come alone or if there was nobody at home to accompany me. I was not so surprised as I had anticipated that people would not take it casually about the girl travelling solo in Kashmir. After he was convinced, he suggested a few places that I could visit during the trip. He fastened my vaccination checking process after verification and I did not have to stand the long queue there.
I came out of the airport and a driver who came for pickup kept my luggage in the backseat of a Chevrolet Tavera. As soon as I hopped in, the same question surrounded me again. Why are you travelling alone? Don’t you have any friends or family? Are you unmarried? Are your family members alive? This again was not a surprise for me, as I have had the habit of being questioned previously.
These were just two instances of my arrival. Imagine how difficult it must have been for me to keep answering every person I interact with for the same questions over and over again.
Of course, I understand the concern of a few people regarding safety and security, but after a time, travelling alone kinda makes you feel like a loner. Loner- not in a negative sense, but you start enjoying your own company and other people might not fit in the chamber of your travel vibes. People often question me- why don’t you make vlogs or post more pictures on your travel page.
For me travelling alone is not about clicking pictures for social media or posting tonnes of videos as I travel or ticking off this this this places in the list. For me, travelling is a meditation. For me, it’s more about not just visiting the place but being in a place, soaking in the atmosphere of it, interacting with zillions of people I meet on this journey, and learning all I lack from them. This is one of the reasons I do not travel to escape distress, but make travel a part of distress and my cluttered thoughts. I never feel that travelling alone provides you a solution to the problems, but it does provide a time to think of what this clutter is about. Understanding the issue first, giving it a break, and then proceeding to the solution.
All of you reading this might have encountered the state of negativity and how you might have wanted to run from everything. The solution approach for many might have been talking to family or friends, for many it would be just distracting yourself with something else and many others even find it convenient to doze it off with a small nap. Every single person has their way. Assuming somebody to be a loner just because they are travelling alone, or questioning their very existence just because a girl or boy cannot travel alone is non-existential.
As I write this blog, I sit in one of the corners of a well-lit room in Movera with the Lidder river flowing by the side of the resort, Zithyar peak visible from the glass window of my room, my feet warmed by the cozy blanket, birds making a fleet in the farmland of Zaffran. I feel like a happy loner and proud solo traveller. I can listen to the sweet chirruping of birds, catch hold of a leafless birch tree with an eagle perched on the top of it and nothing but trees in sight.
So next time you find someone travelling alone, do not question their independence but appreciate them for having the guts in the world for leaping forward.
“ Apni Bandi ke liye agar 50000 ₹ se upar ka lehenga le lenge, to problem nahi hai. Kyunki larkiya mehenge kapde pehenti hai. Par apne liye I can’t think of such costly sherwani.”
“It’s a prerogative of men to fulfill wishes of his wife”
“Tum jaha jaogi bata dena”
I was hell frustrated before I was compelled to write this piece. When you point something wrong in the society, it’s difficult to live with that because people compel you with every other reason, as to why and how you are wrong. Specially when you are a opinionated woman, it’s even more difficult, because it’s hard for people(both men and women) to grasp that you can voice something on your own. The primary reason for this is- everyone today speaks of equality, gender sensitivity, progressive society. But these words remain as words, they are never turned into action. Standing for what you speak of, requires courage and moreover that brave act requires your heart to take a standalone feel that you are right. No matter what anyone says, if my heart says this is right, I will stand by it! Even if it means standing against the set notions of the society we live in.
While some acquire that courage to stand up against the society, they lack the conviction for standing against the society’s wrong. Eventually the person starts doubting themselves that might have done something wrong deviating from the parochial thoughts of society.
Few months back, while one of my friends was getting married, he was ok with his belief of spending lakhs on her fiancé’s lehenga even though she was financially independent. But he was not okay with the fact of even spending the optimum as per his choice and taste on a garment that he wanted to wear on his special day- because “larke itna mehenga nai pehente.” A similar incident happened with another friend, and that was the time I truly felt that this is not something I can live with. You are made to live in a world, where people are okay with saying something so casually and I do not blame them for such thinking. Maybe they have grown seeing people following it, but it’s not the “progressing” society that they speak of in discussions. I respect the choice of what range a person wants to spend in for their own wedding, but compromising your bit, so that you can fulfill someone else’s wish, just to be doubly sure that you are standing by the notion of society- “Larke kaa kaam hota hai larkiyon ke har wish ko pura karna”. This is something that I do not stand for.
I firmly believe that the society has evolved with time and so should the mindset of everyone around. It is wrong of boys to think that marriage is all about fulfilling the wishes of his girl. What’s it with both girls and boys who take jokes like- “shadi ke baad jeevan khatam” and all too seriously. The WhatsApp jokes reinforced in family and friend groups on notions like these are very challenging to an evolving mind. Some even say that “take this as joke and nothing else”, but… Dude, I haven’t seen men in such a dominating light in any jokes. It’s the women who are made villains and yeah it is offending.
Dictating someone to do something when that person does not want that suggestion is clearly an example in this direction. Do you know the reason for it is nothing but majority of men and women are trained from their childhood that women are under someone’s protection- be it her father, brother or husband. They find it completely okay to take suggestion and suppress their own will to keep someone happy.
To be very open about it, I would be lying if I said that challenging stereotypes like this does not take a mental toll on me at times. I do speak up for my cause, and I am never afraid to speak about what I feel is right. But sometimes, it happens that after speaking up, it takes me down the memory lane where I am reminded that no one in my family did so! None of the girl or woman in my family spoke up, even when they knew that things done to them have been wrong. Why do I need to be the fighter, to be a villain in everyone’s eye? If I speak up, that would mean upsetting people very close to me- my own dad, my own friends, my own soulmate… all those who mean most to me.
Things might be similar for guys as well who are trying to break stereotype and set an example, but they might not feel wronged until they themselves reinforce such a belief because the precedent set by society is always in their favor.
Instead of singling your thoughts on the fact that it’s a man’s duty to fulfill the family’s wishes, why don’t we try to work in duality? What if people of house both take charge to fulfill their family’s wishes? What if people don’t just speak of breaking stereotypes and actually try doing it by standing firm on their actions? What if people just don’t judge someone for having an opinion?
And by people, I do mean- both men and women. Don’t you think life would be much sorted then? It takes courage to stand against society, but it takes guts to keep believing your uniqueness that will set an example for your future generations to come.
Just before I got the idea of writing my own blog, one of my friends asked me up to write about something I had helped her with back in my college days. As she explained me few days back(which I was totally unaware of), I helped her get out of the situation in a big way and so she wanted me to do a write up so that (maybe) others could be helped even a bit!
Every person has their own way out, to deal with situation, that varies with your own experiences as well as experiences of others.
Relationships- some of us get into them while we are just kids and they turned out to be partners for life. Some of the others, get in an off and on relationship. Some of us learnt a good deal in relationships and others got betrayed. There were also few who could not speak their heart out, even if they had the strong feeling for the other one(for the purpose of not losing the person for life). The list gets really long with each of our individual stances and learning.
Until its all lovey dovey, happy and cheerful period, none of us really care, what is wrong or right with our behaviour. Real scenario comes out only when we start finding the long hiccups in partnership, that we really start introspecting our own self. But till we reach the point, the bus seems to have already left the station.
Is it even worthy of introspection then?
Not all people behave similarly in all scenario- while some may be completely outspoke, others might be shy, while some take soft take on scenarios, their partner may outrightly reject their way of behaviour.
Source: Getty Image
I somewhere feel, that it’s never about a single person. A relationship continues or fails, not because what one person did, rather it’s a culmination of various factors that happened at different time frame, but affects our mindset only when a “big” thing happens. To simplify it, this big thing is causation of many small factors that have acted previously but we have not taken that out of our mind and holding out to it, leads to the final fire. Example- You may say I broke up my relation with that person because s/he cheated on me. But somewhere, you knew beforehand that there were signs that s/he was not speaking the truth at few instances, or s/he might be ignoring you for quite a time, but you preferred not to dig into the matter and speak out freely to them just like the way you used to do in past.
With time, people get so overly engage among themselves, that they really forget the outside world. They forget that there is a society outside- your friends, your family and your acquaintances, whom you have held for a long time, but you cannot find time for them for the sake of spending time with “one special person”.
But this period has to end sometime or the other. Human being is a social animal, they needs people around them to socialize, to share their feelings, emotions. Everything cannot be constricted to a single person for a lifetime. Let me substantiate again- You might be a big fan of Bollywood, but your partner might not be one. And it’s perfectly fine! But going to another friend or family for watching that Bollywood movie might not seem a feasible option for you. Is your partner the reason? No! You are the reason. If you keep faking that it’s fine to watch Hollywood movie for them, or they keep compromising watching Bollywood movies for you, none of you might find the ending happy. For this you need the Balance in societal relations as well as proper understanding with your partner from the very start of your relationship. We do not need to match up with the behavior of our partners every time, after all two different and unique personalities can only complete what is called “partnership” .
Some others may be a victim of “betrayal from their partners”. The issue here is that these souls gave their best to their partners and so they anticipated a right reciprocation. When they got to the actual truth, some take it as a learning, while some of them break so bad, that it take years to recover from those muddled memories. It’s not just the bad memory that rips their heart apart, rather its all the good memories, they had cherished with them that becomes difficult to let go. To all such friends, I would like to say- Let bygones be bygones. Start your life afresh. Think of what you gave to them, and what they contributed to your personality positively. Holding on to negative feelings only draws you back in life and fills your life with lack of confidence and empathy for others. Start seeing others around you from a clean spectacle that’s your own and not the one that has been dirtied by some wrong memories. You will surely find someone around you who is ready to give you a helping hand to recover and walk out better- it may be anyone- someone from your family, friend, or it could even be a stranger. You just need to start LIVING again- for yourself. There can be no one more important to you than your own self (first). It might be easier for me to say, but if somebody lets you go, there should be no holding back forcefully. Our life is like a river- it might encounter big boulders on its way to the destination, it diverts and part ways, but never stops flowing. So should you, champ!
By now, you would have a clear cut idea of why I chose to write “unhealthy” instead of “toxic” to describe a failed or failing relationship. Nothing is toxic and like everything, the phases of relationship keeps changing and so does our viewpoint.
Hogging on to the blame game, that s/he did not do this right or I could have done better by doing this, only slows you down. The reality check here is- No one ever waits for anyone. In the words of the famous magician P.C Sarkar Sr, “The show must go on”. This may be difficult but it is never impossible. It just depends on how fast you adapt yourself to the scene and start again from that brief pause.
The Indo Travels 